I dislike therapists

and here's why: it is my belief that I don't need to pay hundreds or thousands of dollars to some shrink to solve my own problems.
but then, I remembered how much my junior high counselor helped the pain of my late grandpa's death back in 2001 (no he didn't die on 9/11, he died of unknown causes but we believe he suffered a heart attack or his heart just stopped working.) I was a month short of celebrating my eleventh birthday and I miss him a lot from time to time just like I miss my grandma too.
I would like to say that there isn't anything a therapist can do that I couldn't to help my own problems but that would be a lie.

occupy movement: suicide prevention

the occupy movements have been going on for a long time now. I heard that not one but two young sixteen year olds committed suicide in less than a few weeks apart. I am deeply saddened over the whole thing. Not that I knew them personally, but I went to high school with the girl's older sister.
I found a facebook page in memory of the girl's suicide. It's mission was to promote prevention of suicide, obviously. Now this makes sense that a few of the people on my facebook friend list have said they'd go to the suicide prevention hug day at the local mall. It was probably in their memory. I remember Kelly, she only lived down the street from my house. Whenever I take a walk, I sometimes pass by her garden her friends made for her. I say a prayer for her and her family.
I always thought what could be going through a person's mind if they're contemplating ending their life. Thoughts of loneliness, isolation, revenge. Not only does your life belong to that individual but to everyone surrounding them. So I hope nobody comes to that awful conclusion. No matter how terrible one's life might seem, there's a healthy way out.

I was accepted!!!

horray for me I was accepted to Bay Path college for next fall to further my degree in early child education! I am also eligible for 1 to 4 scholarships. Now my next goal is getting my driver's license. I have to ^^ I will have to take the MTEL tests and pass them, if I do that successfully I will be certified to teach in the state of MA (:

time goes on, and no recent entry?

yeah, sorry guys but it looks like I neglected this blog for months. I guess I don't have much to talk about but I went to the casino this past weekend to gamble for the first official time. Despite I lost more than I won ha that's usually how it goes at those places. It was fun though, got to see friends I haven't seen in a while and I'm in my second to last semester at ACC yay me for almost being done. I just hope I finish pretty decent. I'll tell yah, taking biology about four years since the last time I took it (my sophomore year) the information comes back but it's kinda rusty ):
oh and I forgot to mention about that earthquake, turns out it was on my 21st birthday haha. A friend of mine said "the earth is saying happy birthday by giving you a handshake" lol
while at the casino, my friend of mine who's twenty-six wants her first child soon and I'm kinda worried for her since she informed me that she's greater risk for postpartum depression since she's short and skinny. I hope the best for her.

so does this mean I'm fully developed?

I went up a size in pants no big deal right? From size 7 to a 9. Well I did the same in a shirt size. From medium to a large. At first I thought “oh crap have I got to a unhealthy weight?” because you know I can become self-conscious at times like right now… No it turns out that my bust size has grew I thought I’d stay at a 34B but then I remember how my chest feels suffocated some times. Oh well I guess I never expected to grow any more than I had. I’m 5’8” and hearing that I’m still developing at my age is a little frightening at first.

times sure are getting desperate

we all know that we are in a economic mess right now and it’s gonna take a crap load of time before we’re stable again.


just today I heard that my town’s DMV branch will be closing meaning I am feeling the pressure to get my license even more and I believe I’m almost there as long as my father who primarily takes me out continues to. If it closes before I get a chance I’m gonna have to go to fucking Wethersfield a town south of the state’s capital city. I think we should impeach the governor.


some company that handles trailer insurance for the camper my parents have tried to bill us twice


and supposedly our new paperboy came around expecting to get his collection like in the old ‘n days but we’ve never had to do that, my mother pays the newspaper directly. I’m surprised that the neighborhood kids here are always up to mischief. Not to long ago a group of junior high kids were cutting across my yard. What a bunch of bratty kids.


to top it all off, we just lost power a second ago due to the summer heat and if you know about the break in at Dave Letterman’s studio, yeah, that kid who supposedly did it graduated 2 years before I did from high school

byes to harry potter

ah, here it is at last. The end of a era for the Harry Potter series. I recently went to a anime convention and I saw this button that read: "I am HARRY POTTER you KILLED my parents PREPARE to DIE!
I love how HARRY POTTER uses all  CAPS like THIS it must be ANNOYING as all HELL XD

I see no difference in marriage

personally, I see no comparison between being in a relationship and being married. It's a "legal bond, a ring, piece of paper, comes with benefits."

there's a loop hole in everything, think your marriage is falling apart? It's okay I'll just annul or file for divorce. You can break up but oh no! It suddenly means more to get divorced than to break up.

The ring: a promise ring means just as important than a stupid wedding band. The piece of paper: yeah, people start caring more about your pledge to each other once it's in print. My relationship is that much more serious. Please, I took my relationship as serious as the day it began. It comes with benefits: you get a tax exempt and/or you are allowed to live together whether or not your a military couple. You can go on the same insurance policy and file jointly. The same can be accomplished if filing under a domestic partnership. It isn't much different if you lived together before deciding to marry. Choosing to marry because your partner lives in a different country or continent is a valid argument. One other thing I find to be a little silly is, why don't people celebrate their regular anniversaries? it's not like your relationship changed much.

I am not ready for marriage and won't be for some time. You can argue that since I am not married I do not know what it is like and/or do not quite understand. Try to convince me otherwise.

online harassment is a no-no

it's pathetic when someone resorts to the online community to harass someone. I've had it done to me. If they can't have the guts to say to their face than why would you read it online? It hasn't escalated too high and I just let it slide off my back. The people online don't even know you (in some cases...) They think they're all high and mighty when really you're the bigger person to not respond and "fuel the fire." No, most of my teasing was in the school setting and even then I tried not to let it bother me. I had my bad days and luckily my friends were there to support me. Most of the culprits are trolls anyway who don't have anything better to do so they pick on people online.

luckily in most places people of groups are recognizing that cyber bullying is not acceptable and has consequences

inhumane mother

so I don't know if everyone has heard that the Casey Anthony trial is currently going on but I don't understand how a mother can cause harm or even end their child's life? It breaks my heart ): As a representative/advocate for children's care; education, there is no logical reason for doing such a graveful sin. How can you be a good person if you end someone's life? It just makes me so angry and hurt that someone has the will to do that. Supposedly Casey didn't want to have the responsibility for caring for her daughter which explains the pictures of her partying hard a week later Caylee's death. Excuse me but that doesn't give you the right to end someone's life, nothing ever justifies murder. Being labeled "mentally incapable to stand trial" may well be understandable, but in my opinion a pathetic excuse. Also, why did it take a month to file a missing person's report? Right there something isn't right.


this reminds me of a time where I found a fascination with crimes of this matter. One case particularly a mother killed all of her five children by drowning them in the bathtub. I can't believe that for a second that I would possibly end up like that. I feel shameful as it is worrying that I'll screw up caring for another family's child nevermind my own.

what we choose to pass down

when it comes to that time in our lives when we choose to reproduce and raise our own children, we wonder what we'll teach them. Whether they be adopted, by surrogate or by natural conception; delivery. We wonder what we'll stories we'll share and what lessons we would teach. Maybe we'll pass down family heirlooms or other valued pieces of life. There are experiences we have had but wish our children will not endure. I could go on and on...

sweet music fills my ears

(this is another inspired entry from a friend, she makes good posts ^^ )
I think the reason why the music I like is because it helps me in times of need and no one is avaliable to talk it through. My boyfriend said I got him back into Linkin Park. For any of you who don't know the majority of my music taste is Alternative Rock and other subgenres. In turn, David got me into a little Techno and those subgenres. Before I met my lovely partner, I had a playlist titled "Easy Listening" and filled that up with any calming; relaxing songs that made me mellow out if I was tensed or had really bad nerves. Speaking of which, once I get my new computer (a present from my parents hopefully soon) I'm gonna hoard all m iTunes giftcards and ask for plenty more since I'll need them and repurchase what I haven't already on iTunes to make it legal and then transfer it all to my new computer.

almost there in completing my pathway to higher education

so the Spring 2011 semester just ended for me and I only have a required 24 credits to complete and that sweet Associates in Science degree is what I can call mine. I still have plans on continuing my education of course, there's not a job out there in any field that'll get you a secure job to support yourself. If I didn't take summer classes this time I'd be at ACC for longer than I'd like (I am still a little delayed than I'd like to be) but hey, you can't rush success. I'll find my final grades next week hopefully I did well.

why the paranormal intrigues me

for many years, I had a interest in the paranormal field. I believe in spirits but not ghosts it's weird I know because people are saying "aren't they the same?" Well they might but I think there's a difference. A spirit can be any entity, a ghost needs more energy to form an actual figure to protray to live up to it's reputation. I am familiar with the equipment and vocabulary that comes along with the paranormal field. Like what a rap, incubi/succubi, EVP, cold spots are etc. There are shows I like to watch (some anime too believe it or not) like Black Butler, Ghost Stories, Ghost Hunters, A Haunting etc.

I may have had a few experiences that turned me from skeptic to believer. To all the skeptics I've only got one thing to say: "there are some things that logic can't completely prove, so maybe it would be best to believe in something that could be true, (or may not whatever works in your favor)" For me, I think of it like this, I believe in the spirit world or other dimension that co exists with our own to make me sleep a little easier at night. If I do leave this earth I can end up in that afterlife. which makes me think what that prayer came from
"now I lay me down to sleep,
if I shall die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take."

this does not mean I am changing religions because that would go against the commandments but enough of that. I just think that "heaven" can have one or many levels the same with dare I say it, "hell" I remember a Greek/Latin (forgot what culture it came from) a tale about this messenger who accompanied this entity and they went on a journey through the different levels of "hell" and the deeper you went, the colder it got. Ironically enough, each level was designated to that specific sin ungrateful souls committed.

nightmares and daydreams

(if anyone can guess where this title came from, you are awesome)

so this post is inspired from another friend who had a similar topic. Everyone has dreams and they can be as real or imaginary as what your mind can come up with.

there was one dream where I remembered very well, it must have been vivid in my mind's eye. Although it wasn't realistic or atleast it couldn't have been. It was a scary one at that. I was only a little girl in this dream. I was convinced by a group of people to get this one woman to bring her down stairs into a basement. Little did I know (before it was too late) their real intention; that was to end her life. The next thing I remember was that I was standing, peeking over the staircase and there was this flash of green light and the woman's voice screaming out and I felt extremely guilty like I knew this plan the whole time but it only dawned at me then.

there are other dreams that protray what had already happened. This dream was when I was seven years old and I had spent the next few days over my paternal grandparents while my parents were at the hospital having my sister. I guess I didn't get the message that I was supposed to ride the bus home instead I thought that someone like my either of my grandparents or my mother was supposed to pick me up. Instead I spent a hour and half patiently waiting. I ended up getting upset when I realized it was getting too late. That night I had a nightmare thinking that my family forgot about me. I remember opening my eyes kicking my legs and then shutting my eyes again. That morning I realized that I accidently kicked my grandma while she slept next to me ): because I was too scared to spend the night up in the attic by myself so I begged her to keep me company.

I went through a phase where after I watched a episode of 'Ghost Hunters', other YouTube video of a 'suspected ghost' or a paranormal show, and after closing my eyes in a dark room I would see that image in my mind's eye. The other times when that happened was when I saw a scary movie like  2011's 'Insidious' and I was afraid I'd get nightmares after seeing what they called and protrayed the 'lipstick demon' and it reminds me of whatever I think the devil actually looks like. ooh frightening!

and there are also the pleasant moments you experience you don't want to end or afraid you'll wake up and it'll be over and I think we all know what that feels like.

mixed reactions of the end of a terrorist's life

it is indeed the end of a terrorist leader's life. DNA confirmed it. Osama bin Laden is dead for good. The U.S. went in for a kill mission that lasted about forty minutes. According to Islamic law, a body had to be buried within twenty-four hours after their death and so they put it in the ocean so rebels or members of another terrorist group could not make a shrine of his remains. Smart thinking on the troops' part.

Although we can argue over why it had to result in his death, can we atleast come to a agreement that he was a horrible, HORRIBLE individual that resorted to acts of terrible violence to scare groups of people. I also agree that this event in history shows that justice has been served to the families of the 9/11 victims'. One life does not equal to the thousands of lives he took. Of course we will expect retaliation attempts; acts it is to be expected when a major leader of a group is executed.

It is like a quote in a book I read: "There are good and bad people in every religion." It would have been safer to kill bin Laden than to capture and compromise the safety of the American people. Am I glad he's dead? Truthfully, yes to know he won't be carrying out any more horrible acts of violence but this is not the end of terrorism we still have a long and hard fight ahead of us. The troops will still be there fighting for our freedom and we can never forget them and the purpose they serve.

perfectly aware of what I do... thanks

so tired of worrying what my actions being circulated to my parents or any other family member finding out. It's just stupid, and I'm annoyed and fed up with it. I realize they are looking out for me and that's nice. But please, for my sanity, there is no need for you to report it back to my parents. I'm twenty years old for God's sake. I am aware of the consequences of my actions. I know the difference between right and wrong.

I've grown up, can't you just leave me alone?

my maternal grandmother is not the person who says "I've done my best" when it comes to raising her children. No, she's the opposite.

she can be controlling, give you guilt trips and my own mother has been fed up with it. I don't blame her. She doesn't call her mom to have a regular chat once in a while because my grandma will start nagging her saying she doesn't visit her often. Why do you suppose that is? Sure, you praise Jesus that your granddaughter is pregnant but you act completely different when someone else is in the same situation. What if it were me who was pregnant at such a young age that I am? You wouldn't be jumping for joy.

as for me and my relationship between the only grandmother I have left alive, I still respect her and show her kindness but there's a point where I've reached with her and it's quite upsetting. I stopped being so close to her when I found out she still has a grudge against my uncle's boyfriend. That's your own son you're discrimating against Grandma. Can't you just be happy that he found someone that makes him happy?

I know even I've reached a age where I don't regularly keep contact with my extended family. I still think of them and there may be strains on our relationships and there's probably a reason that caused it.

a newfound interest in the anime community

I found a few new interests in the anime community. I have been to four conventions and the latest was this past Saturday at Anime Boston '11. I plan on attending ConnectiCon '11 as well.

I decided to collect buttons/pins, mostly are cute and things that are expressive. So far I have about 10 buttons. I bought a purse that I stick them all on to. I also love the Japanese soda they sell there. My flavor of choice is cherry or strawberry. There are others but those are on the top of my mind right now. I also enjoyed my first rave and I felt happy dancing to the loud music. The only thing I dislike is the bright and flashy lights. I bought and use my flashy pacifer. I may look immature but nobody knows me when I attend so I don't really care XD I don't feel the pressure of my high school peers humiliating me and that brings me back to the days where I would get teased, not a pleasant memory in my book ):

This has brought my partner and I closer in a way because I found my niche in the anime community. I even found a anime series I might be interested in it features a paranormal aspect and I'm a fan of that too. (and no, this isn't 'Ghost Stories' )

Overall, this has been a great few experiences. I reckon that if and when my partner and I start living togehter, we can put some money aside in our budget for these fun times! I have a few friends who share the interest of anime as well and it'll give me a chance to bond with them in some ways or others

one of the first steps in becoming independent

so the past few days I have been staying by myself at home. My parents and sister have gone down to visit my cousin's family leaving me to become a little more independent. I had my transportation lined up to take me and bring me home from classes. The first night was okay, the second I slept over David's and it was a relief in a way knowing that I wouldn't be sleeping alone. There would be other people in the house at night. I know I can be a big girl and prove to myself and my parents that I can rough it out. I know I can do it too. I've stayed by myself for weekends but not this long before.

avoided the government shutdown

I guess we should consider ourselves lucky to avoid this government shutdown. After all, we didn't do anything to cause it. It's just the stupid federal officials who got ourselves into this deep of a hole we're in.

what really got me upset was that the republicans wanted to make cuts to education, planned parenthood and the troops that keep us safe. Um excuse me, but the only thing that will help us avoid getting into another roadblock like this is if we educate ourselves. How the hell are we giving us a advantage if we cut that out of the  budget? Wrong move by the people who are supposed to be representing us.

planned parenthood, this organization that first started out as a 'non-profit' was meant to give helpful health services for not only its target audience, women but men too. Who am I supposed to expect help pay for my child raising costs if they ban abortion, cut costs to test for STDs, or the like? The feds? Sure, I'll get right on that "dear Mr. Congressmen, thank you ever so much for cutting the only thing that makes sense to be the only healthy reproductive resource for me, you wouldn't mind helping pay for what I need don't you?"

the U.S. troops, what kind of nerve do you have to turn your back on the people who keep us safe? You say you're going to continue supporting the war but won't pay for the people who fight in it? What kind of drug are you on? You won't be recieving any more support from me for you representatives, because you officially are not my vote. Thanks for screwing up our (or my) chance of living a stable financial life.

I read from a friend's status about the potential shutdown and it reads: "Dear Congress, Last year I mismanaged my funds and this year I cannot decide on a budget. Until I have come to a unified decision that fits all of my needs and interests, I will have to shut down my checkbook and will no longer be able to pay my taxes. I'm sure you'll understand. Thank you very much for setting an example we can all follow." I couldn't have said it better.

oh the joys of pregnancy

I found out yesterday (while the rest of my family found out a week ago) that my cousin is pregnant. I should be happy right? Well I am don't get me wrong, after my inital shock of course. Pregnancy is a wonderful time for a woman to endure. The mood swings, morning sickness all that exciting stuff.

now I'm going into the field of early education and childcare. You would think I have a respected opinion and that others would take into consideration that I know what I'm talking about when it comes to this? That depends on who you ask. Of course, I'm not a mother yet to my own child (and I don't plan on having children until I'm good and ready) but it doesn't have to take a mother to know everything when you're raising a child. Yes I'm still learning and taking classes but by now I think my educated inferences should be valued.

I wasn't close to my other cousin when she gave birth to her daughter but I have a little closer of a relationship to this cousin who recently found out she's expecting. This gives me a chance to be involved in her child's life and I don't want to ruin that chance. This also would give me even more experience to know what I would come to interact with.

kinda random but...

this is sort of random but hey, I'm a random kind of girl. Everyone knows that some words aren't real words, they're just made up. Some words from other languages are adapted into our own because we don't have a translation for them. Anyways, I thought the word "schlack" was hilarious. In fact there is a word but it's spelt "schellack" and another word that is in fact a real one but I crack up everytime I hear it is "hemoglobin." There are others I'm sure but those are the two that come to mind right now.

it takes a tramautic event to appreciate what we do have

doesn't matter what natural disaster that happens, a earthquake, tsnuami, tornado, flood, blizzard etc. Why must it take a tramautic event to make us realize what little we do have and appreicate the good of it?

every foiled attempt of being a rebel

it doesn't matter what I do, every time I try to be a rebel something always interferes and thus I don't go through with my plan of becoming someone I'm really not. Not that would be my true intention. Something will always find it's way into showing me the worst possible consequence of that action I am thinking of committing. I'm not talking murder or any grave sin like that. Just the simple 'trying to become more independent' form of action. It always goes back to the thought of 'I'm just better off with how the way things are now.'

arguments and resolving issues

so my parents recently were in a huge fight nothing new I know. Something I came to realize that haopens when you live with a person for a long time. My parents have been married for twenty-five years and I know they wouldn't split or get a divorce over a small fight. Last night however was one of the worst fights I've seen them engaged in since I was about four years old. I was more concerned for my sister because no child should have to witness their caregivers arguing that badly. Long story short my parents resolved their differences the next day and all is good between them. Life is back to normal in my household. I just want to keep the paths of communication open when I live with my significant other someday, I don't want to worry that we'll have a major blow out and he'll disappear for a couple days leaving me worrying myself sick. We've already talked about this issue a few times but you never know how things will play out until it occurs.

this snow is ri·dic·u·lous

connecticut has seen about over two feet of snow in the past month alone and it's plain amazing, I've never seen that much in as long I can remember. I know I've told people that we live in New England but even I have gotten to the point of "this has got to stop!" Luckily I'm in college and not in the public school system anymore, cause if I were, I'd be so freaking angry about the days I'd have to make up (like my sister) and she's up to six missed days due to the stupid snow. It's made my mom a snow widow because my father has been gone working overtime plowing it. The town I live in, forget it they do a crappy job as it is. The amount of snow we've been getting has delayed the trash and recycle collecting by a day or more. I just want Spring to come and fast please.

a love/hate paradox of words

I noticed this more when I attended high school and when I talk with the people whom would antagonize me. I often would give them compliments, how does that make sense? I don't believe you resolve fights when you fight fire with fire (in this case, words) because it would grow larger and harder to manage. I was never good at sticking up for myself so I learned to just be polite and hope they feel bad for treating me poorly.

what happened to commitment?

it's sad that relationships don't last in general. I found out that my cousin's 'soon-to-be' ex-husband is divorcing her while she's seven months pregnant with their second child. It really makes me sick how a seemingly healthy relationship can not last. I guess commitment has a shelf-life expectancy. Luckily, there are some loyal people out there and my boyfriend is one of them. He said to me when we were became serious about our feelings and our goals that he's a 'one-woman' kind of man and would never betray my trust. Out of my parents' siblings, my own parents' relationship has lasted the longest and luckily, they are still together. I don't expect my life to be perfect, just to be comfortable and I'm sure my happiness will be enough to make it last.

new year, another chance

so it is a new year. That means another chance to make things right or a chance to mend things over. We only get one of these as each year passes by so why don't take advantage of it? Now some people lack motivation to put forth the effort to our new year resolutions. That doesn't mean it's impossible to achieve, it simply means that if we really aspire to achieve the goal, then we will work even harder to do so. We will have our moments of self-doubt but it makes the journey more worth it.